On the record!!!On the record!!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Today’s mental workout for Imagination Wednesdays offers up the most exclusive interview in the history of the world, perhaps the next one too, we are going to sit down with the almighty himself. The ratings should be through the roof, strap yourself in, you are in for a hell of a ride. This bloke doesn't talk much, so when he talks, we listen.

Us: So how did you come to be? Where were you born exactly?

God: New Jersey

Us: Wow, we weren’t expecting that, maybe somewhere more exotic.

God: Oh no, toxic was in back then when the universe began.

Us: That explains why you were in a hell of a rush to get everything done in 7 days, oh you don’t mind if we use hell, do you?

God: Suits me fine, They say I created everything, right! Yes, you could say we were in a rush in the beginning, why, I couldn’t tell you, God knows we haven’t done much since then.

Us: Why is that? I mean, what are you up to most of the time, it must get awfully lonely.

God: Well, it’s not so bad, we got heaven, all the lovely angels and saints singing all night long, it beats hell if you know what I mean. I must say, it does get awfully dull sometimes with people kissing my butt all day long, but I get by. You know, I still got my son when he’s around.

Us: Oh how is the great Jesus?

God: Well, you know he went through a lot of therapy for what he endured on Earth, but he’s away at Law school at the moment. He just couldn’t go back to being a carpenter after being nailed to the cross and all that, you really can’t blame him.

Us: Like the world needs more lawyers.

God: Well, you know lawyers don’t usually make it up here. Between you and me, he wasn’t much of a carpenter anyway.

Us: Incidently, how did you come by the name God?

God: Well, it sounds a lot better than my Christian name Alfred, you know with God, it’s the opposite of dog, I’m man’s best friend too.

Us: You can say that again, you don’t seem to think much of women judging by the bible.

God: Well you know, you can’t believe everything you read in the good book, things are lost in translation. The bible loves women especially the pure ones.

Us: Isn’t that a bit of a double standard since men run riot on every woman they see?

God: What can I say, I am a man and I created a man’s world, equality wasn’t a big deal in those days. Women just served men all day long, no cry for equal pay or a seat at the table, none of that. Yes, those were the good ole days, women did everything men told them.

Us: So you admit, you are a little old-fashioned.

God: Tradition is very important, if it ain’t broke, why fix it. Oh yes, the bible days were the good ole days, of course I was very powerful back then. All I had to do is snap my fingers and Abraham would be ready to sacrifice his son for me in a heartbeat. Yea, the whole world feared me back then, I could send plagues, famine, floods, the whole works, I had those humans shaking in their boots.

Us: You seem to enjoy torturing humans!

God: Come on, it’s not like I’m waterboarding anyone, I just wanted to show humans who’s boss.

Us: Can you confirm waterboarding is torture then?

God: What else would it be, it sure ain’t a Sunday stroll.

Us: So you created human beings just so they could worship you?

God: It seemed a good idea at the time.

Us: You sound like you regret creating human beings, have they disappointed you?

God: Humans do the best they can with what they know. To be honest with you, humans are wildly entertaining. You can tell em anything and they will believe it. Jesus had a field day with em, he was walking on water, turning water into wine, raising people from the dead. Haha, even I can’t do that, or else I would have saved his life. Them humans will believe anything. Humans believe what they want to believe.

Us: From our perspective, humans just seem to be born to suffer generation after generation. Many are born even without the most basic of necessities, most around the world work at jobs they hate until they drop dead. It seems that’s the way things have been from the very beginning, I mean first they were slaving for the pharaohs, now they are dependent on corporations. Was that your intention?

God: Don’t blame that on me, I gave them free will.

Us: There seems to be a high price placed on that free will. How can you standby and watch billions of people taken advantage of generation after generation? To top that off, you have countless people that have died on behalf of religion and politics, yet you still do nothing.

God: Hey I am just God, I’m not responsible for what humans decide to do. Nowadays, I’m just symbolic, I preside over rituals, prayers, offerings and so on, I’m just like the pope, I don’t do much. You can’t blame me for humans enslaving each other of for waging war against one another. There will always be something for humans to disagree over, whether it’s land, property, street corner, color of skin, colors of clothing, birthplace. I mean you name it, men have gone to war over women and let’s not forget the root of most evil, money. Let’s remember money used to be grain, livestock, shells, beads, precious metals and what it is today. Humans are masters of making something out of nothing, including money.

Us: So you seem to know what’s wrong with the world yet seem powerless to do anything just like a politician.

God: That’s a low blow calling me a politician. Ok I used to be power crazy and enjoyed torturing humans and all that, but I am no bloody politician.

Us: One could say that you are the ultimate politician, you never get voted out of office even when the world collapses. You take credit for everything good that happens and you standby and do nothing for most part.

God: You’ve got some good points there. I think I need some new press agents, the modern day clergy is just not cutting it anymore, even though their costumes continue to look good. You are really stretching me today, I’m not used to intelligent conversation. You know, with the church, we pass the laws and nobody questions anything, nobody thinks for themselves, you know it’s all faith.

Us: You mean blind faith

God: Is there any other kind?

Us: So you admit you hold your power largely due to human ignorance.

God: It’s magic, I’m everywhere and anywhere. What do want from me, I give humans hope there’s some meaning in this cold world, something to look forward for their afterlife. You know humans like to feel special, the universe is all about them.

Us: No doubt, you’d put them to work in heaven too I imagine

God: Of course, humans must always work, they have to pay their taxes in heaven too.

Us: I figured there had to be a catch about heaven.

God: Trust me, if heaven was such a wonderful place, people would immediately be dying to get here, haha.

Us: You have a great sense of humor

God: Of course, I created humans, straight comedy!

Us: Couldn't you have created a world where most people are actually happy?

God: It is what it is! Unfortunately you are truly at the mercy of the DNA you inherit from your parents and whether your worldly experience leads to self-awareness. The world can never be fair when many people are born at a real disadvantage through no fault of their own with poor pre-natal care, poor early brain development, and poor parenting. However with courage in one's blood, anything is possible.

Us: It appears our time is up, we know you keep a busy schedule, do you have any parting words for man and womankind? Are you real?

God: I am as real as you want me to be. You are only as real as you think you are. The universe is all energy and reaction. Humans are simply atoms of Oxygen, carbon, Hydrogen and some other elements dressed up in a nice skin. The power lies on the inside, find what creates a reaction and energy inside of you. Humans are just the same as the other billions of living organisms on Earth, to be honest I have seen more signs of life in some inanimate objects than politicians. Humans usually find truths other humans implanted in them. Sadly most are just stories, humans have always loved stories, it gives them hope and makes them feel good inside. The bible is just one big story book, however the lessons taught are very helpful. What humans really need is courage, the secret to the world is imagination with determination. Look at that Facebook fella, he doesn’t even like people, then builds the world’s greatest social network. The world is what it seems, a mystery, anything is possible. The world has survived volcanoes, earthquakes, all kinds of natural disasters, including Sarah Palin, it will endure with or without me. If humans would substitute quality thinking for praying, most problems would be solved. Got to run, my presence is needed at the Christian dating websites, as if my plate wasn’t full enough, now I got to play matchmaker too. My work is never done. I bless you all, Adios!

Us: We thank you for going on the record. Bless yourself!